I’ve realized that my quality of life has significantly improved because I haven’t been doing my usual thing. My usual thing is usually giving myself time to think about my life and where its headed. And then I guess I give myself time to write out my feelings. Yet, this wasn’t helping. I had some of my worst times while managing this blog. Although there were issues that blogging had definitely helped me work through my issues, I believe my blogging days are over – for now. This is the end. Thank You all.
It’s been exactly a month since my last post. It really was not my intention to write in this blog a month later. I was actually meaning to write here a bit more during the summer but I found a job and so my mind was focused on other issues. It’s also a coincidence that I am writing in here a month later. Last night, when I was about to sleep, I was thinking about how all my college friends were asking me if I was excited to go back to college…and at the time I immediately said: “Yeah totally!”, but as I thought more and more about going back to college, I realized I was actually dreading going back.
It’s true that I did make some very lovely friends while I was there and I also got to explore the drinking and partying lifestyle that many college students enjoy. But so many BAD things also happened during my first year of college. Such things like:
1. Getting really bad Acne. If you knew me before I went to college and then you kept in touch with me after college, you should’ve notice how horrific my skin got. I was blessed with very clear skin right up until the summer of my sixteen year, but it was only a few pimples on my forehead. Then my senior year of high school, I would still get a few pimples here and there. They were always manageable. Then when I got to college, I had acne on my forehead, on nose, on my cheeks (I am especially upset about that because they were also so rosy and nice and now they just suck), on my back and on my chest area. I even had/ have some on my neck and chin area. I see that my skin has been clearing up since the school year ended but I’m afraid that they’ll come back once I’m back in school
2. College was the place where I really felt like an incompetent idiot. I did horribly academically even though, I tried very hard. My first semester, literally, was just be freaking out. Then after my first semester I swore I would do better and ended up with also the same gpa I had from my first semester.
3. It’s also the place where my dreams were shattered. I’m joking but I seriously thought of myself as a pretty good writer before I set foot onto my college campus and then all confidence of being a good writer flew out the window when writing professor turned out to be a fucking bitch who didn’t actually like writers who wrote. She favored dumb bitches who followed the specific points of her ridiculous essay topics.
4. I got heartbroken too. We won’t talk about this in any further detail.
5. My first finals week was hell because a, I was heartbroken, b, I had my period and c, I had a really bad whooping cough. And again, I was freaking out like mad.
6. Oh yeah that Whooping Cough…WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. I seriously felt like I couldn’t stop coughing and that my lungs would just jump out of my mouth. It was so bad that sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night because I kept coughing. It was so bad that my voice was so hoarse and I could barely speak.
7. This Whooping Cough(I’m still not sure what it was) happened another two times during the school year. Ugh…those were great memories…
8. I’ll just admit it…I got fatter.
9. I had a crazy fucking roommate who made me feel like I was exactly like my mom in so many bad ways. I just felt like my roommate was the most irresponsible person in the whole and I always had this insane urge to tell her what to do and yell at her for the stupidest things like taking an hour long showers. This is all the shit my mom does to me.
10. There were ants in my room. Enough said
11. My roommate was also messy and dirty and stole my stuff. Enough said.
12. Her boyfriend lived with us…in the room. Also next door was a standard triple room that seemingly was only occupied by a couple that didn’t actually have loud sex but loud conversations about the stupidest things. YAY COUPLE SANDWICH! EVERY SINGLE GIRL’S DREAM! NO.
13. I also got food poisoning making February 11, 2013, the worst day ever. Thank You, meal plan!
14. I also got to freeze my ass off because seriously the winter we just had, was very extremely cold.
15. I got to know no one in my dorm so whenever I walked into my residence hall, it seemed like everyone’s faces read: “She lives here?”, which made me feel like I was in middle school again. Actually everything that happened made me feel like I was in middle school again and I was, yet again, that uncool, unpopular, fucking loser that was totally unfashionable, ugly and invisible.
And that’s why I am dreading going back but optimistic me says thing will get exponentially better. Let’s hope so or else I’m dropping out.
I feel like most times, I have a lot to express and I know that for myself it is best to write my feelings out or at least tell them to someone. In the summer though, I feel like there is less of a possibility to confide in someone about my feelings so usually I feel like I’m stuck in an emotional rut.
I was going though my old diaries and I realized that I haven’t been using one in a while. Perhaps it was time to get back to old ways. In that very moment, I actually went out and bought some cute journal books. Now they sit on my desk, completely blank. I really meant to write in them but I wanted to catch up on all the things that happened from the time I stopped writing in my diary to now, and honestly a lot of stuff happened. So much stuff happened. I could probably fill up the two journal books I just bought…
Anyway I was also meaning to write some poems and resolve some inner issues with myself but I’ve been delaying doing all that. Let’s be honest: Writing and writing poems especially is really draining, is it not?
Also, I’ve been trying to get back into yoga. I’ve even made a schedule of which days I would do a little yoga. I even took the time to make some reminders on my phone but I’ve been completely ignoring them.
So a few months ago, I came to WordPress with many questions. I’ve been busy with college work and all that jazz since then so I didn’t have much time to even think about venting out some emotion onto this blog. I think now that it is summer vacation, I finally have some answers to a few questions and maybe I’ve even accepted a few answers that I always knew.
I guess when I say I have “Questions About Everything!!”, I really don’t have questions about everything. It’s more exaggerated obviously but ultimately it was the feeling that I had when I was writing the post. I literally felt like I couldn’t understand the whole entire world because there were a few questions that scared me. Now I am coming to with a version of me that doesn’t feel like the questions are scary. They are solvable and they will be solved someday, but perhaps not now. And also note these “Questions” are more like problems.
The problems I had from months ago are a little bit different that today’s problems.
My first is relationships. This certain relationship that I am referring has been written about in the blog twice. It’s probably one of the hardest things I had to go through because I was so not ready to give this person up. Although I initiated the “breakup”, I wanted nothing more than him to come back and hold me again and call me his girlfriend, for once (haha). Its kind of sad that I still wanted or expected that from him when I knew he would never give me that. I am not going to lie, I did dream about us getting back together.
I’m not really sure how to explain it but for most girls, when you’re with a guy, most of the time he’s the only guy you are having romantic thoughts about (really it should be always, faithfulness people!). I had no attraction to anyone else after him. It was hard having to move on when in my mind, he was still the only male I thought about. It really felt like he was the only man in the world.
I was always scared about breakups. When I was…say 13, I thought that breakups would be hard because I would never be able to get over this person and that every little thing that we did together, I would play in my head over and over again. My first breakup was easy to get over because I was so over that person. With this breakup, I was still hung up. I did replay everything over and over again. It was everything I thought breaking up was like. I didn’t think I would be able to move on and it really seemed like it because even 3 months later, I was still crying about him when I got drunk. Even 5 months later when in between the 3rd and the 5th month since the breakup, I felt like I was over it…I really wasn’t because in the 5th month, I found out the guy had been with a girl since January! And know that kind of hurt and I realized from Facebook (don’t start with me) they must of been together since late December. He didn’t even give me a month to forget. Learning all this, I started tearing up a little. I knew I wasn’t over it.
Maybe I was always scared that break up would turn out the way I thought they would, with me obsessing over everything little thing and finding reasons why we should be together and fishing for things to remind myself of that person. The littlest things about him brought me back so far deep. Every time I passed by this one parking lot that we once kissed in, I walk a little slower so I can take the time in to reminiscence about that our night together. Or whenever I see someone wearing a hat that looked like his, I would look over at that person hoping maybe it was him.
But a few days ago, I was laying in bed thinking about our moments again, I realize they weren’t that special. We were not special. He was definitely not special. I remember our kisses and how they felt like. They didn’t feel like thing. No amazing and crazy sparks of chemistry. We were only in it for sex, I guess. It’s interesting that I said that because a few days before the whole realization on my bed, I read somewhere that Sex is powerful. It can have the powerful to drag on a relationship longer that it should ever be. If I am being completely honest, not only do I drag my problems on and on but I also let Sex help me drag. I think for me, there is something addictive about sex and being someone’s center of attention and receiving their affections. I love that. There is a crave for me but I think there is always a part of me that is scared of how I can go on without all the sex and attention and affection. Breakups scare me as I’ve said before. I’m scared that if this person decides they don’t want to be with me anymore when I’m not ready to give them up, I’ll be stuck. I was stuck. I was stuck for a long time. I’m not sure I ever want to feel stuck ever again.
On to the next problem: My major.
Last time I was throwing around a few ideas and it just seemed like I just couldn’t figure it out. But I’ve come to accept my own decision. Really, I’ve known for some time now that being Communication major is definitely the right thing for me. It will give me a high enough gpa to get into grad school, if I choose to go. I’ll also be very happy as that major and ultimately it is what I’ve wanted since my Senior year of High School. I was, I’ll admit, very scared of the idea of being a Communication major. Everyone told me, “Oh, it is such a joke of a major” ” You won’t earn any money when you get out of school”. The Communication department in my school may be small but I really like my advisor and I think she’ll be a very good professor. Also, there are actually a lot of job opportunities for Comm majors. Companies have realized in the past decade that social media is a huge factor in their success. Wonderful Comm majors like myself will be paid/are being paid/will be continued to be paid generously to establish a good media presence for they companies they work for.
I seriously tried to convince myself that Business was the way to go. Everyone sees the Business major as the most practical major and it’s almost a safe bet. You can’t go wrong with that. I thought I would at least give it a try before I dived completely into Comm. I took two Business courses last semester and I hated both. After I got my shit grades from the two classes, I was like fuck Business, I’ll do Comm.
I’m glad I took those two courses though. They drove out my doubts of being a Comm major and made me feel a lot better about my decision. I am also thinking about a double major. I really want to do Sociology because I really like research. It feels like you’re learning but you don’t learn from a textbook or a professor. You get to be curious about an issue and you get to actually find your own answers. You get to learn my doing and I love that so much. The only hesitation I have about being a Comm and Soc double major is that I actually know of a lot of people who are exactly that. All of them are female, if that matters at all. Aside from disliking the two business courses I took, I didn’t want to be a business major because there are so many business majors that graduate from college every year. That means more competition and I don’t need more of that. It irks me out a bit that there are so many Comn and Soc double majors…like you all couldn’t double major in something else?
Fun Fact: The week that I actually decided all of this, my horoscope from the Daily News said I had important business decisions to make and it would affect my future very much. Huh..it was kinda on point.
And I mean everything!
It’s been a while and I was meaning to write in my blog for some time now. Initially I was planning to write a few thoughts on here three or so weeks ago when I had my spring break but somehow a week of having to do literally nothing flew by. I got nothing productive like writing down my feelings on a website done. Yay me!
Around Spring Break I had the title and a rough concept of what I wanted to write but now a few things are different and I guess the task of writing in here has just snowballed itself since I’m itching to write about Questions in my mind now and Questions that were in my mind three weeks earlier.
Let’s start with me deciding to be in a sorority. My college invited a national sorority to come create a chapter on our campus and my friends persuaded me to join (it’s actually not that hard to persuade to do or to join something, oy). I thought sororities were totally not my thing but I figured why not..at least there would be parties and stuff…which makes me realize that I also planned to write about how I changed my views on partying. If you scroll down to a very old post, dated around October of last year, you’ll read about how I thought I didn’t need partying to have fun but fuck that shit – you do!. Sorry I didn’t tell you guys this kind of stuff earlier. I guess I was a little bit embarrassed about going back on my word but now I realize that I’m young and I make mistakes.
So anyway they had a very simple interview process, one that had such a low commitment level that I figured it was better to try things out then to not even try at all. Turns out I’m a really awkward person around 60+ girls. I totally clam up and in short, I felt totally lonely and awful at every “sisterhood” event. So I was like fuck the whole sorority shit. I fucking quit! Coming to this conclusion wasn’t easy though. I spent most of my spring break going back and forth in my head about quitting then not quitting and whether or not to tell my mom. You’d think I would want to tell her about this but I couldn’t. Something made me feel like I didn’t need to her tell me not to join because I already knew that I shouldn’t be. I had a gut feeling about the sorority from the start and I guess I should really trust those gut feelings. That last “relationship” I had, I had a very distinct gut feeling that this guy was not a good guy but I didn’t trust it and it left me hurt and sad. I’m bad at trusting myself and other people. Somehow I can’t believe in the fact that I might know best what’s best for me.
I only came to this realization after complaining to my roommate about how I wanted to get out of the sorority and just feeling overall “stuck” in my life. And she said I should stop dragging this out so much. Then it kind of clicked. I do like dragging things out a lot, well actually I don’t like dragging, I just do it. I actually dragged out my first relationship for months and months and then I did the same with my second. And now I was doing it with the sorority and I was also dragging out deciding what to major in. My mind must be ridiculously slow because I know I’ve definitely written something about how I live my life with hesitance and I wanted to stop that a long time ago. I said I wasn’t doing that anymore but I’m realizing I am still doing it. These hesitant are not just minutes long but in fact months long. Fucking imagine that! What am I doing? I guess this is way I have questions about everything. I can’t trust myself to know that I do have the answers. Ugh.
Another issue on my mind is that I’m also in the production of a play. When I heard what the play was about, I thought it would be perfect for me. It’s a comedy about Asian Americans and I was like I’m a funny Asian American. Perfection!
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in anything. I always thought I was a good performer or entertainer. I’m use to being the person that makes everyone laugh. I just always believed that making people happy was somehow my mission in my life and I love being funny. It’s the greatest feeling but being in this play has made me believe other wise. I only got casted in a minor role and every time I read my lines, I get stopped by the director telling me my performance is not good enough. She says I need to slow down and watch my tone and fix my body posture and this and that. I feel like utter crap when this happens. I guess when you firmly believe in something about yourself and sometime keeps knocking down that perception, well that obviously hurts. A lot. I guess being a comedian or a comedic actress is probably the ultimate pipe dream. I don’t really do anything everything to get my dream of becoming an actress. I never really try. I just dream about this magically happening one day.
I’m a mess.
And to top that all off. I’m facing avery normal college student problem: I can”t decide what to major in. I know I want to do something along the lines of advertising. Making commercials or movie trailers would be the fucking dream. I also wouldn’t mind considering sociological research since I find that shit fascinating. Now in order to do Advertising, I could either do Communication or Business Administration. Thing is, Communication is a relatively easy and short major in my school. I feel like it’s not worth it just to study that. The major doesn’t have a really good reputation. I mean I guess the thing that’s really making not want to commit to this major is because these days we keep thinking about what degree or major will make money which makes sense since the economy is so bad these days. I feel like because of the state of the U.S. economy, a lot of people would rather major in things that could make them money over what they really want to learn more about. I’m having this internal debate of what path I should follow. I’ve known from the start that Communication was something I wanted to do. I know that having to believe in my education and my major is a huge factor to getting a job and making a career. I’m thinking about either majoring in Economics because I think it’s interesting and plus it’s not too much of a hard science or math-y major; more of a hybrid of a social and math type deal, which I like. I also want to do Sociology especially since I find social research really cool. Argh…can’t have four majors but at least I’ve narrowed it down to this. I also have to consider which major will give my the highest gpa cause I need to go to graduate school. arfff.
Sorry for the horrible quality of the writing!, I just wanted to release some of my feelings.
It took me five tries to finally spell pitiful correctly. That’s it folks. That was the pitiful story…but wait!
Bonus! Another pitiful story! And this one is about me!
There is a previous post on this blog that I just want to go back and refer to for the purposes of this pitiful story. Obviously a blog is not some place to write about how you just killed your neighbor and their children. It’s also not a place to talk about getting screwed over by some guy that you knew was bad news or as Taylor Swift likes to refer to it: “Trouble”. I knew he was trouble and that post titled “We’re…Nothing Serious”, where I resolved that I was going to end it well… I didn’t. I said I was going to do that but I didn’t. What can I say? That I’m young and stupid? Yeah. Hell Yeah! But also I’m just stupid. I let my feelings (stupid feelings) get in the way of my good judgement.
I know what you are all thinking and I’m disgusted with myself too. I’ve come to realize that the reason why I continued with the whole “thing” was because I was insecure with myself. He made me feel nice about myself. When you’re wanted, you don’t want to stop feeling the great feeling of being wanted. Everyone craves for that. Some people don’t crave it as much or they have more willpower. Well I crave it all the time and I don’t have willpower (honest to God). I was-I still am – insecure about myself. I’m realistic about my appearance and maybe I shouldn’t hold appearances to such an important level but fuck it! we all hold it high up!
In the long run, it was definitely stupid of me to let the whole “thing” continue but I couldn’t really tell write that in my blog. I was embarrassed it! It’s like it was a sexual desire that I didn’t want people to know about. I didn’t tell most of my friends and stuff but they’ve known for a month or so now.
This “thing” went on for a while, actually to be a little bit more specific, from late September to December. I know, a long fucking time. It took me a while to realize why I was here in college in the first place. Yeah I know that college life can be really great and I’ve witnessed it in person (very rarely did that happen) but I’m here for a more noble reason. My mom is working so hard to make money so that I can get an education and what did I do with all her money, sweat, and hard work? I just flushed it down the toilet then took out what was left of that and stomped my feet on it. It took me having a total meltdown to realize that what this relationship I had with this guy was totally toxic and not something I actually want to be apart of.
Finals were coming up around December and it was really hard to try to deal with my emotions and study for finals and go to work and I had a really bad whooping cough and I had my period. Yeah, It was A LOT. I didn’t think I could survive that but I guess I know now that I can survive a lot. Finals week sucked as I didn’t see any of my friends but it was admittedly a good distraction from crying a river about the guy. And then thankfully I had a full month to try to get over him, and everything.
But I guess it’s never that simple. I can’t just forget someone that quickly and easily and I’ve obviously had times where I thought “Okay, I’m being stupid. He probably has already forgotten about me” and other times when I’ve dreamt of us getting back together. I tried so hard to make sense of my feelings but I really can’t. I even wrote a whole recap of what happen between us and what I felt during every one of our accountancies. That only took up like 5, 535 words. (That only?!?!?) I told myself that after composing this work, I would just forget, let go, or simply not care about the subject any longer. I had a month and after that month I vowed to not bring memories or feelings back with me to college. But all the memories did come back.
We were on the same bus back to college. Fucking great! And for the next five days, I would pass by him going to classes and stuff.
I can’t really change how I feel but I wish I could. Each time I pass by him, we see each other and there’s not a hello or a hi or even a smile. I’m usually too shocked or just nervous to do anything.
And I still haven’t done anything. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve seen his face around. I try to make eye contact with him when I get the off-chance of seeing him but he never looks my way…
And I mean…I guess why do I want him to look my way?
I haven’t kiss another guys since him. I mean I’ve thought about other boys and I think I might have a small crush on one yet, I still think of him. I think I’ve almost talked myself into believing I’m over it and over him. I reason that everyone wants to be touched, to be loved and to be wanted. At the end of the night, isn’t that what we were all yearning for? I think that’s exactly what he wanted. To feel something with someone. It’s exactly what I want now. So maybe I do get it.